Friday, March 6, 2015

Death to Life

      Truth shall prevail! Truth shall set us free! Glory to the living Yahweh, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit.

       When I was 15 year old a new desire in me birth, I remember so clearly the first dream I had and it was one of my male teacher who I like. I kissed him in that dream. I woke up puzzled and lost. I did not understand why I had but I had many of those type dreams almost everyday from that day onward. Most of the time I ignored it but at times enjoyed the idea of being loved (sexual intimacy) by (with) a man. Without realizing I am against the order of creation. Time goes by 16 year old my curiosity increased and with the luxury of internet I begin to explore this desire and found tons of x-rated videos and dwell in it every night in the name of studying. Where once it was only a desire or imagination or picture in the mind now it becoming reality little by little. From curiosity to reality, this battle was so real every day and night I fought against this desire without knowing actually I am drowning to the bed of sea. During my college time, I had my first experience with a stranger (man),  I was nervous but enjoyed it. Dream finally became reality. I had few experience here and there but the fear my parents would know made me to slow my steps. Every time after an experience I will break down and regret it but I did not stop doing it. Weird! And did not understand why?Years past by without answers.

          In this midst of searching for truth and freedom. When I was 18 year old, Lord Jesus found me, and I accepted Him as my Lord And Savior. Life took new direction but this desire in me did not go away. I did not continue pursuing it as I use to but I continue having dreams having sex with man who I don't know who they are. I resisted and repented but the desire was still there. Tried all sort of things to overwrite my desire even to the extent dating a girl and wanted to marry her but that did not happen because of the new opportunity I am about to embark.


        When I was 20 year old I was given a chance to continue my BSc (degree) in California made things even worst when I thought it would help me to begin a new life. My attraction towards man took a new height, parents not at my back gave me the freedom to finally explore this desire. Broke up with my girlfriend and now decided to follow my heart so my search for LOVE. I came up with few rules I want to follow by so I can be safe in the messed up world:

a. DO NOT HAVE SEX ON FIRST DATE
b. MEET AT PUBLIC PLACE
c. NEVER DATE MAN WITH AIDS OR HIV+ 
d.NEVER DATE MAN WHO ARE PARTNERED

Tried so hard to keep all the rules. 

          Dating life was fun, I was meeting at least one new man every week and to the extreme of 5-6 men a month. I remember this so clearly every man I meet I will ask them this question "what do you think God thinks about people like us?" I got so many answers, some said God made us this way, it is God's way to control the population (birth control), some said he doesn't believe in God and many other answers. Soon enough I came to conclusion God made me this way and He made a mistake when He created me. That basically justified my action and I thought this is truth and what I am doing is right. Through this journey dating websites were my best friend and I spend hours of sleepless night looking for date for that week and someone to chat with and have virtual sex. And I remember I was depressed one time because I could not find anyone to go out with for that weekend. My lifestyle became unhealthy and I found pornography as my second option. Because of my rules I did not find any date that last more than few dates. So I started to bend the rules, I said it is ok to have sex on first date and probably after that I might find my love. Boom! Begun my journey to the path of destruction. I started to be promiscuous. Two years past by and I have been with fifty guys at least. At times I would date two guys at one go. I was desperate man. And that is what I told to myself. In all this I was attending church every week and as I recall every Saturday night I would be with man and Sunday morning I would be in tears crying out to God for forgiveness but could not find my way out of this mess. This continues for at least another year. You can imagine the among of guys I have been with by now and how disgusted I felt. My rules no longer applied.


      In Oct 2010 I met a guy(Jim) and he was handsome and my type and so badly I wanted to jump to bed with him and he denied my request and he was the first to do so. We went on our separate path but we were in touch. Next day I received a text message from him saying he is tested HIV+ but no longer detectable. But my desperation have made me to agree to be his boyfriend. After two month things went down hill and I started to date another man(Jack) while being with Jim by then you can see my rules no longer existed. To pursued Jack, I broke up with Jim. With expectation Jack will take me to be his boyfriend and not knowing he was not ready because he just broke up with his boyfriend around same time. I said to him let me know when you are ready and I will come back. Dec 31st 2010, I was in Universal Studios Los Angeles I received a message from Jack saying I am all alone tonight and I want to have sex with you. My heart crashed and reality faced me. First time throughout all this years I realize it was all about sex and never about Love in all the relationships I was in. Devastated and broken into pieces! Decided to take a break from dating and focus on God.

         Few days later, I was in the room alone mourning and lamenting looking at the message from Jack and seeing what have I done to myself. I felt, as if I am in a pit of darkness and no one can help me. I am doomed for life and God will not forgive me anymore. I said God you need to speak to me I do not like where I am now. That very moment I heard this voice "Son, I have sent my only Son for the sin you are doing would you not let it go for Me?" That moment truth were revealed, eyes were open, ears heard, my tears were pouring I was crying and was comforted at the same time. I quickly rush to check whether there is someone in the house spoke but there was no one in the house. I repented wholeheartedly and the Lord forgave.

John 10:10 was reminded to me the thief comes to kill, steal and destroy but I (Lord Jesus) have come that they may have life  and that they may have it more abundantly. And that is exactly what happened in my life. I was deceived into the trap. Everything made sense after that day. I started to see my struggle in new perspective. I saw a battle ahead to live life for Christ. The desire was not removed it is still there but now I willing to make the choice not to choose that path because it is path of destruction. I fell many times but I woke up and start running again chasing the path of righteousness of Christ. Because His grace is sufficient. After all I do not lose anything but I know I have Christ who is strengthening me and preparing me for the glory. Like how Apostle Paul said in

Philippians 3:7-8 NASB
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,

I count everything I desire is loss for the sake of Christ. They are nothing compare for what Christ has for me in Him.

               With the grace of God, He helped me grow out of it and I am waiting for the day of His return. Those who are out there I want to let you know there is hope in Lord Jesus Christ. It is not an easy path but worthwhile path and you will not walk alone. His love is unending and guide you through. Base on my experience after carefully studying my past I realize the devil planted a weed while I was at all boy school and I have watered and fed the weed by my daily choices and thoughts. Now it became a garden of weed where basically destroyed the plan Lord Jesus has for me. But by loving kindness and mercy of God, He redeemed me and now I am slowly weeding the weeds and planting the truth and promises of God in the empty places. God is not in control of your life unless your give Him the driver's seat and graciously He will help you come out of your mess and it might not happen overnight but surely will happen because quick weeding can destroy the garden.

          Trust and trust and trust will take you through. Praise be to God who never fails to love His creation and made a way through Lord Jesus to make us right with Him the Creator. 

          This is just short version of my life story, if you have any questions you can always message me. I believe God have spoken to you through my life. I am more than happy to help you in future, you are not alone in this journey God have destined you for greater things if you believe you will see His glory in your life like how I found in my life.

SSC 7/3/15